You’re Doing Better Than You Think

Did you singlehandedly crash the Dow Jones this week by 1600 points? If you answered no, go ahead and bake yourself a nice batch of cookies. Did you leak war plans on a messaging app? No? Does your mom like you? Yes? Sure, you’re already doing better than Pete Hegseth is! Give yourself a fucking pat on the back and make yourself something good to eat, you deserve it. Honestly, I’ve been making myself decadent stuff to eat every day for the past two weeks simply based on the fact that I’m not an asshole who’s hellbent on obliterating the global economy. Emotional eating has been transformed into a hybrid of self-congratulations/fear that I won’t be able to afford to eat soon, so I’ve decided to fatten myself up for summer. Forget all this “bikini body” nonsense, I’m all in on the “recession prep” body.

I’ve been a bit absent for a couple weeks, partly due to the kid’s birthday party planning and closing a show, but mostly due to the inability to put down my coffee cup, get myself out of my bathrobe, and tear myself away from the news. Between Evil Creamsicle going full Lex Luthor on the entire planet (EVEN THE PENGUINS AREN’T SAFE), Pete and the b’ys planning an airstrike using emojis, Usha and JD getting the middle finger from Greenland, the premier of Alberta batting her eyes at Ben Shapiro, and Pierre continuing to tank on the campaign trail, who can blame a girl? Real life is more exciting than TV right now. The best thing is, you don’t even need to wait for next week’s episode because it happens five minutes later. One hit of the refresh button and you’re filled with existential dread, another refresh it’s hope, and then disbelief, then laughing hysterically, then sitting on the floor in your kitchen weeping while drinking the dregs from your cold cup of coffee. And that’s all before 9am. Even Mike White can’t compete with this kind of entertainment.

Yes, that’s me making light of a pretty bad situation, because if you can’t laugh at this point, you’re just going to start hoarding canned goods and learning how to use a crossbow.

In better news, the crocuses are up! For now. We’re supposed to get 10 centimetres of snow today, so we’ll see those guys again after Newfoundland Second Winter. Other good things this week? Years ago I read somewhere that, instead of lemon or lime, the best thing to put in a gin and tonic is a piece of mango with ground black pepper on it. That’s super weird, and I am one hundred percent here for it. I just never got around to trying it because good mangoes are so hard to find in Newfoundland, and when I get my hands on one, I mostly like to devour it over the sink like a monkey. When the ataulfos show up here in March they’re usually garbage, but I bought one on a whim this year and gave the G&T trick a try. The only thing better than the drink was eating the gin-soaked peppery piece of mango afterwards. Two thumbs up.

New fav breakfast! Leftover homemade onion bhaji are deadly reheated until crispy in the oven and then topped with a soft boiled egg. If you’re a chili crisp head like I am, mix it with some Greek yogurt for a condiment. Then eat the rest with a spoon because now it’s spicy yogurt, and I am only half joking.

Here’s a quick sort-of recipe for the best hot chocolate I’ve ever had. In your favourite mug, put in 1 teaspoon of unsweetened cocoa, 2 teaspoons of sugar, a good pinch each of cinnamon, ground cardamom, cayenne pepper, and kosher salt. Fill your mug halfway with evaporated milk (shut your face, it’s deadly and you should definitely stock some in your basement because hello it is 2025), and stir everything into a paste until most of the lumps are gone. Heat in the microwave for 20-25 seconds, then top the rest of the mug up with boiling water and stir.

Skip the microwave part if you don’t like super hot hot chocolate like I do. I need mine in “sue if you spill it” territory. I am a raving hot chocolate snob and usually only make it at home because if you order it at any coffee shop it’s lukewarm at best, and ice cold by the time you walk down the road. This one’s good to drink while reading a thriller set in Paris, where I bet they would burn the shit out of your tongue with a hot chocolate, because the French don’t fuck around.

But the best thing about this week? Jude turning nine. Because I’m a sucker for punishment, we threw him a bowling party. It was chaotic and insane and no one did what they were supposed to do (bowl) which gave me great insight into what it must be like to work in the White House right now. (No shade on these kids though, I’d trust a bowling alley full of them to run the US better then the pack of idiots in there now.) I made one cake for the party and a smaller one for the three of us on the actual day, so it was cakeapalooza all weekend, with some leftover and stashed in the freezer for a rainy day. Or let’s face it, probably a snowy one.

Yossy Arefi’s Vanilla Buttermilk Cake for the big, my usual chocolate for the small, and orange icing with lots of sprinkles for both at the request of the birthday boy.

Anyway, spring is gonna spring no matter which asshole is trying to take us all down, and there’s a sort of comfort in that. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I’m feeling weirdly hopeful about things, and let me tell you, that is highly unusual for a person like me who’s been cynical since the age of two and a half. I don’t know. Something’s rumbling, something’s simmering, there’s a feeling like that pot that’s been on a low heat on the back of the stove is going to boil over and then run dry and then burn the house down to a pile of ashes. Yeah, okay I’m not sure how that translates into hope. But I guess I mean what’s going on isn’t sustainable, and maybe we’ll all come out the other end of this a bit better? Safer? Dare I say a bit happier, even?

Either way, I’ll come out of it with jeans that are a whole lot tighter.

Eat something good this week, Chickens.

xo